Wednesday, June 18, 2008

today has been a total emotional rollercoaster. i went to bed last night happy and woke up today in a panic.
this morning was exciting and nerve wrecking (i don't want to jinx anything.)

going to lees funeral put the excitement to a dead halt. i'm really sensitive about everything i think. i can't take anything sad or awful without crying. sitting through the service was crazy...i couldn't even look at his family while they were walking in, everyones faces were so sad and i know how much hurt they were all feeling. the speeches were so upsetting, especially when her father spoke. he's so old and his voice was shaking so much you couldn't hear him at all...he outlived his daughter!
i just don't deal with funerals well. it makes me worry that maybe i never settled things enough with myself when my dad died. i know i just kind of tried as hard as possible to get back to being normal, maybe in doing that i blocked a necessary greiving period. it just sucks, not being able to really even watch a movie where a sad things happens with a father without totally losing it. its embarassing and makes me feel dumb as shit.
i was thinking about it today. i don't remember my dads wake or funeral at all ane i was wondering if lee will. i know i was there, and i know my 2 best friends came to the funeral and that made me feel really relieved. i remember eating at the wake. the rest is just totally gone. maybe it was just the shock of an unexpected death...who ever expects their parents to die soon? maybe its just my really bad memory. i don't know how to properly greive now, 8 years later. i feel like after this much time i shouldn't feel like this still.
i need to unwind. i have a four day weekend this week and i desperately need to go enjoy myself. i don't want to cater to anyone, i don't want to put myself second, i want to do what i want for once. i'm totally spent.

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